i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I need to calm my uterus...
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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