Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
