I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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