Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
