Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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