so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
