New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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