my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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