y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My liver just broke up with me...
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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