she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
