My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
