Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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