Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
