I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
