walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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