Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
