I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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