He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
How does one acquire holy water?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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