he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he thought i was a dude.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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