I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
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