I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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