A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
