Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
