whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Randomize
