3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
