cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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