I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
