I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
