Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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