I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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