I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
