FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
