One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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