Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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