There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
