Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
