you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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