i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
