Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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