i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
