no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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