I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
So apparently I’m into choking now
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