I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
