I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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