This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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