i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I stole a fireplace last night.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
