They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
