Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
