Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Semen is not good for contacts.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
