Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
