I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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