hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
