Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
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