So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
