i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
