I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
