I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
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